Humor Warning….

Calling in Sick


Calling in Sick

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

“Ed!” she hearkened. “The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.” “You know where the button is.”

I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” Pause. “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from “Big-ol-scary machine phobia,” a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Bill Clinton Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (“Buttons” a.k.a. “the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known …..

EDIT: THIS IS NOT MINE!!I DID NOT WRITE THIS AND DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN. I SAW THIS STORY SOMEWHERE AND WANTED TO SHARE. THANKS FOR READING!

This made me LOL

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN


BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN 

We got off the Titanic first. 

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. 

Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 

We can cry and get off speeding fines. 

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 

Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point). 

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay. 

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay. 

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival “The Speedo.” 

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves. 

If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. 

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates Are still there. 

If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute. 

We have the ability to dress ourselves. 

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture Them naked. 

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot. 

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth. 

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable. 

We’ll never regret piercing our ears. 

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Merry….Christmas… if that’s okay… i think

At last, the perfect Christmas card


Dear recipient,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “America” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishes.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

Best wishes to you and those appropriately close to you.

Recipes :)

So I’m hungry and this sounds delicious….

“Bacon & Cheese Quiche… I make this every few weeks for dinner at my house! just use a pre-made roll-out pie crust, then I whisk together about 5-7 eggs and 1-2 cups milk, and pour it into the pie crust. I add about 1-2 cups shredded cheese, about 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, and 3-5 slices of crumbled bacon. Pop it into the oven at 350 degrees for 40-60 min, until a fork poked into the center comes out clean.”

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Snack, Dessert | Servings: 18 servings
Prep time: 0 | Cook time: 5 min | Total time: 25 min

Ingredients4 tbsp. (1/2 stick) unsalted butter
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup honey
2 cups plain granola
1 cup rice cereal (Rice Krispies, etc.)
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup peanut butter chips

Process

Line two 9×5 loaf pans or one 11×7 inch baking pan (see tip #4 above if you want to use 9×13) with foil or parchment. Lightly butter or spray the foil. Set aside.
Combine butter, honey and brown sugar in a large saucepan over medium heat. Stir until the butter is melted.
Bring the mixture to a boil, then lower the heat to medium-low and simmer until the sugar is dissolved, about 2 minutes. Remove the saucepan from the heat.
Add the granola and rice cereal into the saucepan and fold them into the sauce until evenly coated.
Spread the mixture into the prepared pans and press firmly with a spatula to evenly fill. Sprinkle the chocolate and peanut butter chips onto the top of the granola and gently press them down with the spatula.
Let sit at room temperature for 15-20 minutes or until mostly cooled and set; lift out of the pan and cut into bars.

Lower sugar version: Use low-sugar granola (see nutrition info below for recipe). Reduce both brown sugar and honey to 2 tbsp. each. Omit 2 tbsp. granola. Omit peanut butter chips, use 1/4 cup mini chocolate chips instead of regular size.

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Homemade Kool Aid Taffy

2 1/2 cups sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1 cup light corn syrup

1 1/3 cups water (room temperature)
2 tablespoons butter softened, plus a lot more for buttering hands
1 teaspoon salt
1 6g package unsweetened fruit flavored drink mix (like Kool Aid)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Butter a large jelly roll pan or cookie sheet with sides really well.
2. In a medium saucepan, stir together the sugar and cornstarch. Add corn syrup, water, butter and salt and stir well until butter is melted.
3. Bring to a boil over medium heat and stop stirring. Cook mixture until candy thermometer read 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). This takes some time to get it to 250 degrees. Once it approaches 250 degrees watch very closely because it cooks quickly at the end.
4. Immediately remove from heat. (If you cook it too long it will turn out very hard.) Carefully stir in vanilla and drink mix. Stir well.
5. Pour mixture onto buttered baking pan. Allow to cool enough to handle, about 15 minutes. (Try to pull as soon as it’s comfortable to handle.)
6. Butter hands and begin pulling, as many time as it takes to become opaque and lighten in color, usually about 15 minutes of pulling. You will probably need to butter your hands a few times.
7. Pull into long rops and cut into bite sized pieces with buttered scissors or a buttered pizza cutter.
8. Wrap the pieces of taffy in squares of waxed paper and make sure to twist the ends really well to seal.
9. Store in an airtight container in a cool dry place.

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Nutella Cookies

Yield: 3 dozen cookies

Prep Time: 20 min + freeze time

Cook Time: 12 min

Just a quick stay in the freezer, and Nutella turns into Nutella chunks for baking cookies.
Ingredients:

About 1 1/2 cups Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup salted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated white sugar
One 3.4-ounce package instant vanilla pudding mix (dry)
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions:

1. Spray a piece of parchment or waxed paper with nonstick spray. Spread the nutella on the greased paper in a rectangular shape- about 1/2-inch thick. Place it in the freezer on a flat surface until it is frozen solid.

2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper or silpat mats.

3. Sift together the flour and baking soda. Set it aside.

4. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to combine the butter and sugars. Beat in the pudding mix until blended. Stir in the eggs and vanilla, and then the dry ingredients.

5. Take the Nutella out of the freezer. Peel off the paper and put it on a cutting board. Use a sharp knife to carefully cut the nutella into chunks. Stir about 3/4 of the Nutella chunks into the cookie dough, and save some chunks to place on top of the cookies.

6. Use a cookie scoop or rounded spoonful to place little balls of cookie dough on the prepared cookie sheets. Top each ball of cookie dough with a couple of chunks of Nutella. If you have any leftover cookie dough or Nutella chunks, place them in the refrigerator while your first batch is baking.

7. Bake 12 to 14 minutes, or until the cookies are golden and not so soft in the middles. The edges should be golden brown. Remove them from the oven and let them cool on the cookie sheets for about 10 minutes before moving them to a wire rack to cool completely. Repeat with the remaining chilled cookie dough.

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😀 sorry…. kinda hungry…. :p

)O(

Blessed be

Fyre